Hi my dear bloggie~! This will be my 1st entry & perhaps one of the long one... Firstly I would like to thank one of my dear friends, Ah Zhen~! Who's helped me a little in making this bloggie of mine (a success???) hehe* Thanks Zhen Zhen~!

Hmmm... Actually this blog has been up for some time. It's just that this lazy me didn't wanna put in entries. I also not sure what's stopping me. But for now, I think I'm gonna be regular. I wanna write more. Write bout how I feel... Write bout my life... write bout things I would wanna share to anyone out there... :)

Something happened that made me wanna write here many many times. But I always dun wanna, cuz I dun wanna leave bad things here. (so confused.. I dunno what I'm trying to say still...)

Well had quite an enjoyable shopping trip ytd with Miss Belle & Steve. I was so into da mood in shopping. :) Bought quite a lot of things (at least quite a lot for me):

1. GLOOMY coin pouch cum card holder.
2. a (muddy) Demin skirt
3. a sweetie tube top
4. & some phone accessories for my lovely buddies (& I missed out 1 of the bday girls' item. sucks)

Well.. I've overspent!!! *sigh* I'm always overspending.. & that's so so bad cuz I'm not working ya...

Came home, had a good bath & my mum's nasi lemak, & started off with a good chat with my QQ. & It ended up so so terrible again. Right now, I'm having mix feelings... I can't imagine his life without me. He would be so so down. (Hey, I didn't mean anything regarding breakup or whatsoever.) But somehow I can feel that life with me is making him so tied up by things. So many things... His school thingy, his family, his time, my time, slacking time, etc... 24 hours are just too short for this fellow. *Sigh*

I somehow feel that I wasn't being a good gf to give him. But to him, he feels that I'm a great one; a great one trying her best to bring & share happiness with him. So gald that he feels this way. Made me feel that I actually doing some things right. He always said that I'm stressing myself to say things whenever I talked to him. As in I mind my words so hard that I'm being myself. Well, it's truth for sometimes... But sometimes, talking needa use brain ya???

There're lotsa differences in us, which had actually created much "troubles" too. He said that I'm his ideal one, but he felt that I'm not his ideal one. *sigh* whenever he said all these, I'll start to get confuse & I'll doubt myself, or even doubt our r/s. But I really dun wanna feel this way, ya know. Then pple keep telling me no one will always think the same. & yeah , I know it too & I really wish everything can be good or better or just right...

He loves me a lot & I know it too. Well, I love him too, but somehow the love is not as strong as his??? How do one measure love??? He wanna love me more, but he's restricted. I believe restricted by many many factors. He knows that I'll feel pressured. It's just so luanZ... -.- Sometimes, I feel that I'm bringing pain to this fellow. Poor thing. But I've teared & cried couple of times. (I'm not trying to mean he's bringing sorrow to me or something.) For sure I know I cry easily & he got guilty after that. *sigh*

Hmm.. I was writing in some sweet SMSes from him into this maroon colored book I bought 1 month ago. It's something I planned to give him after it's filled. But u know what???? U know what??? I keep having this feeling that when it's the time I'm gonna give him this book, it'd be half filled. What a sad thing to imagine/think. But it'll definitely be a book of lovely & sweet memories for him to remember.

Do all these thinking make me give him up easily??? I dunno... It's really so heartaching... I'm tearing again... I cannot imagine my days without him. Would it be terrible??? or would it be better but slightly lonely & upset??? & How will my family feel?? Everything seems fine on the outside. The inside is pretty messed up... I think dad would be very very upset to see me like this... see i'm crying over BGR issues... he's always so supportive, so caring, so kind... Dad, I love you so so so much... I suddenly feel my family is SO SO SO important to me! Hai... at least I tried... what more can I say???