06/06/06
This entry is to share my story on 06/06/06... A day I think I will never forget...
I woke up today feeling so tired that I used my urgent leave again. I woke up and continued my chores I left from last night. Half way thru at about 3pm+, my bro came into my room and say "Mei, go and change" (in Mandarin)... He sounded urgent. I felt weird...
"Why? What happened?"
"Ah ma passed away... "
*Damn!*
"She commited suicide..."
*F**K*
I dunno why I just have those words to describe this kinda feeling.
Anyway, bro had a hard time contacting Mom and Dad who are now in Taiwan. He was so pissed why none of their cellphones were on. So he tried calling Chan Bro. That F**King hotline is never thur! Nvm... so he seeked another way to get to our parents. He called a friend from a travel agency to get to a Chan contact and from there get someone to call back to us.
So by that time, we settled off to Yishun. A 25mins car ride seemed a freaking long ride to me. In the car, bro lost his temper while talking to the Chan contact. It's really horrible & I think I almost freak out. He was shouting all the time to get the idiots to understand the urgency to get hold of my dad. *sigh* On the journey to Yishun... my heart just aches. I kept asking myself "why?" I just continue to let my imaginations run wild... Thinking of any possibilities of my grandma, the scene, and etc etc. It was drizzling... I could feel that tears start to pool in my eyes. Though I can truthfully tell you that I'm not very close to my grandma, I do feel the sadness of losing a relative. I really regretted for not being good to pay some visits before this very day. I actually wanna go down today with my bro to see her.
When we reached... the police tape surrounded the crime scene. (She jumped.) From far, I already felt heavy to enter into that police area. As we closed, it's even worst I tell you. Next thing I see it's my uncle griefing over grandma's death. Since it's drizzling, the body is covered with a tent, followed by a white poncho, which I'm so afraid to see. I cried when I start staring at tent. I cry harder when I see my other relatives sob... I can feel my heart is breaking... I heard things like they're blaming themselves... blaming themselves to let her go this way.
So after giving ang bao to the undertakers, the tent is removed... as well as that poncho. I was so afraid to watch. Initially I saw her legs only as someone had blocked me. Finally I saw Ah ma. Breathless. Still. Wearing the kinda shirt and pants she used to wear. I was instructed to shelter my uncle with the umbrella. So I went nearer to her... She was so closed, yet so far. I see blood behind her... I continue to watch as they moved her up. There were some remains left on the ground. When the undertakers got up the van, the family group start to disperse. I still lay my eyes on that spot. I feel sorry. I feel upset. It's saddening that my once cheerful grandma had to leave this way. Sorry friends, I'm not trying to scare you, but I would like to share a little on this illness...
Depression... the illness which my Grandma suffered from. I had so little understanding on it. I only saw some awareness ads on TV. Never know that one day, someone so close will suffer this illness. Everybody was saying that she had been cheerful. Bro claimed that she used to smile and talk to him whenever he goes over to see her while she was okay. Ever since that illness, she no longer talks. She no longer smiles. I even heard that she threatened to hurt herself if things weren't going her way, or when they want to "lock" her in the house. Poor Grandma... I was thinking if I could ever put myself into her shoes to understand what she was thinking. I think she must have been so stressed with life. Was she feeling helpless? :( It's really very upsetting...
So, she left everyone helpless in terms of emotions. I believe all of us would wish to do whichever ways possible to save her life, but it's useless now as she'd already left. It's really heavy for us to accept this fact. I dunno what else to say now... *sigh*
something about her...
I share very little moments with my Grandma... But I can remember her great smile, a wrinkled face she has, but so loving. She's the one who won't nag at the wrong time. She cooks very nice and really traditional Hokkien style food, which I only get to eat during special occasions. I love her chinese rice cake (It's called Mi-kuey) with chilli sauce. She always holds our hands firmly whenever we talked to her. Though she couldn't hear clearly, but whenever I greeted her, she'll acknowledge with a nod and asks if I've eaten already. In my eyes, she's a healthy old lady who is strong and steady...
I believe right now my Grandma is in another world, illness-free and happy...
Goodbye Grandma...